Okay, this has convinced me to upgrade my safety gear NOW.

From the Hell For Leather article:

"ws Let's circle back to the wreck real quick. What were you wearing. I know you had your Nexx XR1R Carbon helmet on.

ss Icon Overlord jacket with D3O in the elbows and a CE Level 2 back protector, Reign boots, Justice Touch Screen gloves. I also had on Alpinestars Axiom jeans, which have Kevlar in the butt and knees and T-Pro knee armor I'd retrofitted. Basically head to toe armor.

ws What do you think would've happened if you weren't wearing all that?

ss Well, let's say I was just wearing jeans, jacket and gloves; I think I probably would have lost my left leg. If that didn't happen, I'd definitely have had a really bad broken ankle, a completely destroyed knee and lots of road rash, bleeding and soft tissue damage. That's some fucking serious shit.

ss People die all the time, bleeding out from broken femurs.

I may have been OK because the ambulance got there so fast, but I bet I'd at least still be in the hospital and walking would be something I'd be lucky to do in a year, not three months.

Now, let's say I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, no gloves and an open face helmet. Typical gear for about half of motorcyclists. My left arm would have looked like hamburger. My breaks would have been worse and I bet I would have a broken elbow too. I definitely would have broken my jaw and tore my face to shreds. I also would have road rash all over my back and sides. Survivable? Maybe. I'd be fucked up for life though."

Wow. Wow. I'm getting rid of my silly half-helmet asap. Oh, and props to the author for the TGOC reference. :-)

In case you are a commonsewer safety equipment rather than ammunition: "A rimfire is a type of firearm cartridge. It is called a rimfire because instead of the firing pin of a gun striking the primer cap at the center of the base of the cartridge to ignite it (as in a centerfire cartridge), the pin strikes the base's rim."

I will avoid speculating on what you *might* have thought it meant, and get on with the glove lust.

I used to work with this cat named Trosky (named after Leon Trotsky) who told me a hair raising tale of crashing like a fool whilst hooning his GSXR down a freeway. While fully admitting that he was riding like a crack squirrel, he was much more interested in relating how nicely his gloves had saved his hands as they became speed bumps for his torso as he barrel-rolled down the tarmac.

I've lost track of Trosky, but think that he would find the One Thousand Rimfire Glove a lovely refinement. Click around on the image options and scope the plams and fingers: They have some very cool elastic zig-zag stitching that keep the leather from bunching uncomfortably and interfering with your death grip on the, uuhh... grips. The D30 insert in the knuckles is what protects you, the elastic detailing is what makes you want to hand them over to your best buddy.

Cleveland CycleWerks is making noises about a new moped offering called the Mutiny. I've seen but one image so far, down in a Hell For Leather interview of CCW Illustrious Potentate and Chief Hoon Scott Colosimo (the HFL article more than N hours old, so your ass is going to pay). This looks the part, and the fact that the image is named "CCW-Moped" may be a clue, Shaggy.

If there is any four-stroke cheaper to hotrod, than the ubiquitous cub-style horizontal sitting under that proto frame, I'd like to see it. And dig ye the single shock and upside-down forks! (What? No Hossack front end?) The intake manifold appears to be in full-on "Pinoy Periscope" mode! Will the favorite suburban "ram air" experiment be factory?

Egad: No pedals! I guess we are not moving back into PC 50 territory here, as much as my left hand is twitching to shift through both speeds.

Oh well, the rest of it has my nipples ready to cut glass.

Hopefully pressure can be applied and one or more of these will be seen being beaten to a pulp on the Thunderdrome this year!

Alpine Cycles is our newest team sponsor, great deals on wheel lacing, hub rebuilding (up to and including some smaller motocross stuff), and of course all things custom moped wheel wise.

Genuine local bike/ski/state/rad shop in Port Huron MI.

Go purchase velocipedia!

Moonshiner makes good gasketry in his secret lab. All guaranteed not made of individual cheese slices!

Your Puch and or Tomos will rub you the right way! Go! Buy! Understand!

These are the rules. Carved in stone. Who will cheat? Who will be pilloried on the spike of shame? At times like this it's customary to quote "The Waste Land" but since I'm more into T. Moore than T.S. Elliot:

"Bright glass on a chain being wound around us, the toiling of idle hands, dripping with guilt. A secret form of punishment. Axes through skulls, shadow of futility. Endless revolt. The shifting of light and shadows.

No one is right, nothing is solid that can be held in my hands for long.

We should kill time."

So anyway, this is making me think very carefully about a new engine.

Quoth the rules: "The Moped class is for engine-powered mopeds 85cc or smaller. Electric mopeds of similar power to a 85cc engine or smaller will be accepted on a case-by-case basis. Transmission and clutches are totally open and free to choose. Pedals are optional, but extremely suggested based on the Le Mans-style start. We’ll be splitting moped racers into Professional and Amateur-level classes with prizes for each. The class you’re placed in is up to us and – while you can surely ask for your choice – it largely depends on if your ride is modified or stock. Don’t run it if you can’t break it, my dear."

How will a four-stroke compete?

Further obession reveals:

SECTION 3: The Moped Class

...

Part 1: Engine

AMATEUR: Engine must retain the original block or cases per that frame or of another moped series. example: Tomos A55 motor on a Motobecane = legal. Yamaha RZ350 motor on a Garelli = illegal. No capacity over 50cc will be permitted at this time. Nitrous Oxide and Nitro Methane fuel additives are delicious yet illegal. Premium gasoline of 93 octane or lower is required. We may dip your tank, so be careful.

PRO: No engines over 85cc. Aftermarket carburation and exhaust systems are allowed. High Octane ‘Race Fuel’ (Torco, CAM2, etc…) is legal.

This does not seem to preclude compressors, fuel injection or nitrous (which would probably be pretty stupid). It's something to ponder.

Stay tuned.

"It's too hot for this leather suit."

"Dang! I won't be getting out of second gear!"

"Just around the track once."

Yeah, that's my dumb ass sporting the giant cherry on my elbow. My big gut was bruised from dingus to tits and I bit a chunk out of my own tooth. I was going less than 10 mph.

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GEAR.

Golden Gods of the Peach State, and most tasteful pushers of Kreidler Pr0n! May their members wax turgid in the Bronzed Gaze of Baal!

But seriously folks, it would behoove you to view the wide variety of mopedal wares at 1977mopeds.com. They sell an array of high-performance wierdness found nowhere else, often hand crafted by people with actual hands in the U.S.A and other fine countries. The pipes! The carbs! The dewy, ported jugs! If you ever expect your Tomos to do the Kessel Run in less than two parsecs, you need to sling the midiclorians their way! Capische?

Seriously, wear a bib or your keyboard is going to be stained with drool. Good stuff!

Behold the splendid Spencer Pyne!

I have ridden this collection of 70's-Era Tubing/Modified Honda Air Compressor Engine and am here to tell you, that the only thing more dangerous to handle is a krokodil-amped porcupine dipped in weaponized herpes virus.

If you think that's hype, I dare you.

Anyway, here is some video of Spencer at the April 2011 Thunderdrome!

In this spot, we place homage to Ye Thunderdrome: The zoot-capri home of riding wimp bikes in a circle! I ain't lyin'! If you can't make it to Detroit for a race, then start something where you live. Jeeze, you think it's _that_ hard?! Oh, and the guys butt you have to watch in the first video? Totally Matt's.

Here lies images and links of fine and graceful faceplants, grevious wounds and passionate kissing of safety equipment.

Nom nom mou mou slurp.

Seriously, we love our safety equipment.

See here: Ben's delicious ass-over-teakettle floor excercise at the Henry Ford. And a follow up of him winning a heat as well. Excelsior! :-)

This site was born out of the "Evil Monkey Cub" group on Farcebook. Since only 33.3% of the team actually rides anything powered by a monkey bike engine, this name will probably need to be changed.

I personally like "Conniption Wimps", but then, I've been out of adderall for over a week now ...